Psyche

I'm looking for you in the woods tonight

Looking for you in my flashlight, I'm searching

From in the high or down the ocean

And I face myself in reason

Dress: Nasty Gal

Headpiece: Handmade by me

Cuff bracelet (c/o): Urban Lace

Feet: Missing

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe new year! I also hope that you don't just celebrate, but do something profound and memorable to attach some kind of significance to the stories you tell your grandchildren about "your time." In the last moments of 2013, I was home prepping for the release of my new film VALLE MORTIS.
Which will be coming out at midnight tonight! In the meantime I'll be lounging around in this incredible dress from Nasty Gal. It makes me feel like a boho moon queen! You know, like one of Melies' girls. Ever felt like that?

The Challenge

This was a commissioned custom tattoo design for a fine gentleman named Nathan. 

This commission is a big deal -- literally. At approximately 18x20 inches it's the biggest piece I've ever drawn, it took me longer than any of my previous art projects, and basically paid for my car insurance. (thanks, Nathan!) 

After months I finally completed it early this summer. Despite its age I still think it deserves to be documented on this blog since it's practically a milestone for me. 

Almost everywhere I went, I took this guy with me. I took up entire tables at Starbucks, commandeered my mom's living room, and made my apartment floor unusable due to my being sprawled across it (it's a really small floor, so that's not an entirely new event, but still).

I worked very hard for very long and I did very well, but this project still terrified me. I was drawing subjects I've never tackled on a scale I've never attempted. And it's no secret that I'm not the kind of person that practices much before taking on a project -- it just feels too redundant that way and I lose interest and inspiration very quickly. 

For the first time I was nervous about my work being on someone's skin. It's never been a big deal to me because I kind of see it as if someone were to put my artwork on their wall. It's something they'll see everyday and it's essentially permanent if chosen to be. Both are equally honorable. But the size and detail of this piece made me all the more committed to this man's skin. 

The middle of the design, the woman, was placed on his bicep, with St. Michael laying protection over his chest and the gargoyle watching his back. So it basically takes up half of his upper body. Imagine your work being blown up and displayed over a highway or in a hotel lobby. That's about how I felt. I really pushed myself with that in mind.

The meaning is a fairly simple one. It represents being conflicted between good and evil. Notice how it's a bit hard to decipher between the two. Sure, each side has a classic image representing its position, but the opposing sides are drawn in a style that is equally dark. Which says something about how difficult it can be discerning right from wrong. Evil can be disguised as good and good can be take forms that we may not expect.

Nathan chose the darker side to be on his back to represent what is behind him -- what is in his past. And the "lighter" side in front of him as is his future. I draw much better knowing why I'm doing it, so discussing the exposition really helped me in my process.  

Tempus Adventus

The last day of Advent.

Dress: Vintage Neiman Marcus from Wild at Heart

Tights: eBay

Silk shorts (worn for safety!): Vintage

Shoes: missing

I don't normally dress up for the holidays. I'm not trying to impress anyone. Hence the no shoes thing. If it weren't for this little shoot on my family's little orchard in California, I probably would have been in my pajamas.

I like quiet. I don't like parties. I don't like distractions. I don't like tv and I don't like sports.

So what does that leave me with? Nothing, maybe.

But maybe not. I still have my family and a handful of friends to be with, although I don't think the popular ways of spending time such as parties or television are a sufficient way to spend quality time with people. It provides time in large quantities, but not enough in quality. In preparation for Christmas this year, I ask that you reevaluate your interactions with the people you love. Although some things do work better for others -- don't get me wrong. My time tends to be best spent talking for a long time after a movie, face to face dinners, and strangely; shopping for treasures and antiquities.

I think it's also important to remember that the days leading up to Christmas are not actually Christmas time. It is Advent. A time of preparation for the coming of the most precious gift of all. Christmas day and after (Pentecost) is the real celebration. So why is there so much emphasis on family and gifts and such? Well, I believe it's because we're not automatically born with a family per say. Yes, we are genetically related to people by merely existing, but family is something that you work toward all your life. A family is a web of relationships that change and develop over time. It's important for us to work toward a family rather than just expect things from people. To work toward any relationship, you have to give yourself. Whether it be time, money, work, gifts, or praise. You have to give all of yourself in order to fill yourself. (You can slap my hands for being cliche now.)

I haven't been the best at it, to be totally honest, so I suppose you could call me a hypocrite. 

My biggest problem is time. I'm always biting off more than I can chew and losing track of huge amounts of time. I love giving gifts and doing favors for my family and friends. But I'll go weeks without communicating with people under the assumption that I just spoke to them a few days ago. That's what's so important about this time of year, though. We get lost in ourselves, so at the end of the year (ironically) of all times, is a time to step out of ourselves for at least a day. 

I hope I don't come off too preachy in this. There's a lot more to say about Christmas, but I'm no Carol Brady.

I would also like to mention a couple of very beautiful and special gifts from a couple of my close friends. I feel so strange about them -- I love both gifts to death but I also feel so unworthy and undeserving! I'm not sure how or why so many fantastic people ended up liking me.

The antique Italian glass rosary is from my friend and fellow artist Ophylia. Her gypsy grandmother prayed with it every day! Can you believe that?! How special! The silver is from another good friend and fellow artist, Kindra. She hunted down this antique set for me and proved that she knows me way too well. I love them both so much, guys! Thank you!

Meanwhile, I just finished up wrapping! Wee!

A Celebration of Dirt

Prepare to witness some of my worst work yet. It is titled accordingly. 

I give you; DIRT!

I consider this a special occasion. A celebration, if you will. 

On January 1st, 2014 I will be releasing something extra special. If you can guess what it is, good for you! If you can't, it's most likely... probably... maybe -- ok, it is; VALLE MORTIS.

I've shown the finished film to a handful of my mentors and close friends and they described it as my best work. I kid you not, their actual words! I was skeptical at first, so I decided to sift through my film work over the last six years seeking validation. They were right. So I thought it would be appropriate to re-release my first ever experimental art film shot on my first ever HD camera. (Notice there is no high definition to be found.)

DIRT was filmed after a bath with a flashlight and some food dye -- shortly after I breached the realm of adulthood, during my first year of college, when I had a hair loss problem, and at a time when I was considering film more seriously. Before this point, I basically made up silly characters and forced my younger sisters to be them for a few hours. They were my film company.

I was trying incredibly hard to be serious for some reason. Maybe because I was trying to say something along the lines of even the tools we use to cleanse ourselves of imperfection are muddled, therefore true purification and perfection is impossible. I was really upset about being a disgusting human around this time. Understandable for a college student suffering from hair loss.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and shame myself for how terrible my first film was. There are a lot of interesting aspects of this piece along with parts that I cringe at. The cheesy mask, the choppy slow motion, the transitions, the repetitious shots, the length... (just to name a few). But the lighting is interesting and my timing worked well for the most part. The most significant piece of this work is that I did it. I started somewhere. If this film never happened, VALLE MORTIS would not have happened. 

I grew as an artist and as an individual by getting a silly project out of my system. 

After four years of failing, falling, and succeeding, I've made something that made a filmmaker of 12 years experience express awe. So I'm strangely and incredibly grateful for whatever made me pick up that food coloring and save chunks of my hair.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. If you dream of something, or even just want to try something, do it now. Don't wait until something or someone comes along. Don't make excuses. 

If you don't start as soon as possible, you may never start and you may never know.

Here's to the next four years of experimentation!

Flightless Bird

Flightless bird, jealous, weeping...

Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding...

Velvet bodysuit: American Apparel
Wrap skirt: eBay
Suspender skirt: Forever 21
Sandals: eBay

I was able to get away with wearing this in the winter because I literally live two houses away from the beach. I know, right? I'm one of those annoying people that strips after the sun is out for five minutes.
But still. Layering. So, yeah, I peeled off five of my eight usual layers - don't call the streak police just yet.
Anyway. I'd like to dedicate this post to this Forever 21 suspender skirt.
It's really helping me out with a couple of my primary goals as a person that wears clothes.
Here they are (in no particular order):
1. Redundancy.
Don't just wear ONE skirt. Wear two. Or five!
2. In case of emergency -- pretend to be kite.
I like to wear things that make me feel like I can float away from virtually any situation...
I've tried to pull a Mary Poppins before. It didn't quite work out.

Son of Man

"I am thy creature: I ought to be thy Adam; but I am rather the fallen angel."

(Monster I created in 2009 versus the monster I created in 2013) 

You can win the first 11x14 print of the new monster by clicking here!

I could go on for hours about all of the ways Mary Shelley's Frankentein has spoken to me. I could talk about issues such as the power bestowed upon us as sentient beings, abuse of that power, our responsibilities as humans, abortion, free will, the never ending search for self, parental responsibilities, fatherhood, Prometheus, the synchronicity of science and religion, God, etc etc. See? It's a long list. But I'm going to do my best to make this as brief as possible. 

To me, this is not just a novel. It's a constant source of inspiration. It is something that I find crawling under my skin when I feel uneasy or unhappy. It's something that I sense scratching at the bottom of my skull when I'm worried or under stress. It is the constant reminder that my existence is not in my control and that the tighter my grip gets, the more I have to fight for air. And that's ok. I'm a control freak.

But not the kind of control freak that calls seven times at 2am wanting to know if you're wearing the pajamas I bought you. Not at all. I know full well I have no control over any one else. When it comes to my life, I crumble as soon as something doesn't go according to plan. But what is my plan? I don't know. Sure, I have my life planned out in one way or another. But is the true plan for me? What was I really supposed to do yesterday? What will I do tomorrow? I don't know. No one knows. 

I can confidently say those are two things I think not only I, but humanity as a whole totally hates. Being out of control and uncertainty. 

Mary Shelley was communicating many many ideas through her novel. Our fear of uncertainty and control may not be the primary point, but it is certain that those two aspects of the human condition are responsible for a cornucopia of great wrongs and a lot of great goods throughout history. Such was the case for Victor Frankenstein. Hunger for power is a symptom of the need for control. Denying death is a symptom of fearing uncertainty. Now, in an odd way I agree with Victor quite a bit. I do believe death is a disease. But what Victor failed to recognize is that sometimes adversities and atrocities, such as death in general, are sometimes  (mostly/always) a piece of a master plan. Which proved to be true when Victor, after much pain and many deaths, met Captain Walton who was struggling with the same hunger Victor once was. His experience changed a stranger's entire outlook on his plan to conquer the north, ultimately saving an entire ship full of men.

It is important not to ignore the "Monster" when talking of control and fear. Being alive is so scary, guys. There are still a lot of things up to us, but how are we supposed to know what exactly? Our young monster was not aware of his ability to choose; his natural right to free will. Therefore he became a personification of the way he was treated. As a monstrosity and a perversion. This unfortunately happens to countless numbers of people. The men and women you see on the news, that mean person that hurt you, or maybe even yourself. Bad people sometimes never consciously choose to be bad - they are just a result of the scum they crawled out from under and that is very sad. But what really breaks my heart is that some of those people were never aware that they had a choice in what they could have been. And when finally aware of said choice, they choose not to change out of fear of what they don't know. It's never too late. We all have a definite plan, but that doesn't mean we've been denied the freedom to choose. 

Hence the juxtaposition of the light and dark flowers intertwining with his grotesque appearance. Most would describe him as a horror, but I think he's beautiful. And given better circumstances, I think he would have made a very sweet man who could have possibly formed a band with that lovely blind man.

I am the monster. I am also Mary. But mostly I am Victor coming to terms with my freedoms, my limits, and my abilities. The most obvious difference between Victor and I is that I am not him. So I am fortunate enough to be able to learn from his experience - be it fiction or non fiction, metamorphic or literal, and ultimately thrive from my frustrations and short comings. Like the monster I am learning and embracing what makes me a person, an artist, a woman, a Christian, a daughter, and a friend - noting not who makes me or how I am treated makes me one thing or another. 

Thanks especially to Captain Jean Luc Picard for pointing this out to lots of people too!

There comes a time when you have to sacrifice control, embrace uncertainty, and accept that there are things you are not meant to know nor will ever be able to know. Our experience as half physical and half metaphysical beings is a limited one, so as soon as we start tampering with things that are not within our means, the water gets rough and our perspective becomes murky. We must remain and wait in this one limited dimension for a more grandeur purpose. By no means am I saying don't even bother and just wait around for your life pan itself out. Humanity as a whole and humans as individuals hold infinite possibilities. Just in the right place and right time, of course. 

Many of the choices we make do effect the courses of our lives, but there are still some things that will happen regardless of our choices.

So that's why I drew this Karloff adaptation of the monster. It's important for me to be reminded that I am human and it's ok to not be perfect. In fact, it would be catastrophic if I even tried! Believe me, I know people who have attempted perfection. Not pretty.

Want a monster in your home? You can enter to win the first 11x14 of my new monster by clicking here or you can buy limited edition 8x10s and 11x14s by clicking here! The original is available to purchase here.

Now here's me with that big human meat quilt.

Top Secret // Giveaway!

What's in the bag?!

Tada! It's THAT guy!

I've been drawing this version Frankenstein's monster since September! Now he's finally available in print form! A few 8x10s have already gone to new homes, but I wanted to give this first 11x14 print of 50 to an extra special home. Possibly your home! 

To enter this giveaway to win this 1/50 numbered 11x14 print signed by yours truly, all you have to do is comment below. In your comment, if you have read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, tell me what your favorite part of the book is or just an interesting point you'd like to bring up. It's my favorite book ever, so I really just love talking about it. I could discuss it for days! But if you haven't read the book, that's fine! Just tell me what your favorite classic horror/science fiction novel is and why. I haven't read many, so I could use recommendations!

Winner will be chosen based on the most creative and interesting response. Literacy, length, location nor accuracy is required -- I simply want to hear your thoughts and pick yer brains!

An entry will be chosen after midnight on Thursday, December 26th.

(I'll have more to say about my monster and how dear he is to me in my next art post!)

Now that that's out of the way!

Briefcase: Vintage (gift from my dad!)

Backless top: Nordstrom Rack

Weird gauze leggings: eBay

Blazer: eBay

Shoes: aliexpress.com

I've been watching a lot of Fringe lately. So now if I carry a briefcase and/or wear a blazer, I'm an FBI agent with very important information in hand. And it's usually life or death. Naturally. 

But don't tell my mom.

De Rosis Nascentibus Exhibition

"From Blooming Roses"

My friend and fellow artist, En Tze, invited me to participate in a very special exhibit taking place in Penang, Malaysia earlier this year. Being involved in this project was a huge honor. Not only because one of my favorite artists invited me to join, but also because it was my first exhibit. My first exhibit was an international one! I never considered showing my art in my own hometown, let alone in another country!

Not to mention it was pretty cool to have my artwork displayed alongside two more of favorite artists Olivia Rose (who once drew a portrait of me) and Striga (Zuzana Csatai, a personal friend of mine).

De Rosis Nascentibus was a contemporary and lowbrow art exhibition showcasing the artworks of eight artists from around the world in the theme of roses. (I being the only U.S. based artist - cool!) 

The title of the exhibition is a Latin phrase which carries the meaning "from blooming roses." Now, if you know me, being involved in a project with a Latin title is beyond favorable to me. Everything sounds so much cooler in Latin. 

(Ahem, Valle Mortis, Tollis Peccata, Nox Astra, Purgatorium -- just to name a few.)

The exhibition did an excellent job showcasing the mysterious natures of roses. They were explored through many different mediums; portraying messages of love, life and death through each artists' individual little eye.

Now, at the time En asked me to participate in the exhibit, I was experiencing a great struggle with myself as an artist. Particularly as a filmmaker. I was in the middle of shooting of one of my most ambitious films to date (the trailer can be seen here) and after trying to shoot three separate times, it was obvious absolutely nothing was right. For the first time I began to seriously doubt myself as an artist. It seemed that all of the planning and preparations in the world would be absolutely no good for this project. It was like it wasn't ever intended to exist.

Was I meant to do this? Have I come to the end of my journey? Is this a story I was never supposed to tell?

But then I realized something.

My suffering and pain is what made the project all the more beautiful. It gave a whole new meaning to the story. The plot naturally shifted to what I was feeling during that time and I didn't realize this until we finally completed shooting. Without that suffering I endured, all of that self doubt, the project wouldn't be what it is coming to be - which is some of best work yet.

I immediately knew what I was going to draw.

I asked my dear friend and muse Liliana if she could pose for me remotely. She happily obliged.

Look at her amazing garbage bag dress! Isn't she gorgeous?

I am a HUGE fan of Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain. The film project I mentioned above was heavily influenced by it and the inspiration soon started to spill over into this art project.

The Fountain is about so many things (you really have to watch a few times yourself), but what speaks to me most clearly about the film is that suffering and death motivates us in ways money nor any material can. It helps us to be stronger, to learn from our mistakes, and to ultimately experience something beyond ourselves.  Something bigger. Through suffering, we must face our mortality. In short, the will of humanity has the ability to transcend above time and space.

I started to adapt what the film said to me in quite a literal way. Even directly drawing inspiration from the tree of life scene.

It took me quite a long time to draw just these three pieces (I planned on drawing five, but I was cutting it close to the deadline) and I was very fussy about them. I tend to be very particular and a tad anal about my work. So I think with this being my first exhibit and it meaning a lot to me, I unintentionally pressured myself even more so than usual. It was very hard for me to color them as well, as I usually leave my work black and white, but part of the beauty of a rose is its color. I couldn't rely on shape alone for these pieces.

I first tea stained and hung the pieces to dry over night.

(I went to visit my mom the night I did this, so she was pretty confused when she saw dying girls hanging in her shower.)

I then went over the roses in a layer of watercolor pencil, washed the lines over with water, and then filled anything else in with watercolor paint.

And voila

The end result:

Let's be honest.

It's hard to figure out most art. I realize that sometimes art comes off as ambiguous and sometimes that is its intention, but I'm personally not a fan of ambiguity. It leaves room for misunderstanding and misinterpretation if it's not done well. My work means something specific. So to tell people that, I wrote a short essay explaining my intentions:

To put it simply... 

This series is about the beauty in sacrifice, suffering, our fragile mortality, and how these things shape the human condition.

Just to clarify; I don't wish suffering upon anyone. But I do wish that those who experience the kind of pain that causes your ribs to enclose, crushing the heart... (ahem - everyone at least once in their lifetime) to handle it with grace. To allow it to be humbling. To use it as a tool for good rather than a tool for demise. 

There are events that have taken place in my life that I do wish never happened. At the same time I know that if my past were to play out any differently than it did, I wouldn't be the person I've come to like a little bit today.

This is getting a little winded. So let's look at some photos from the event.

Thank you to everyone who helped make this project possible! 

I promise my readers the length of this art entry is a rarity! They will be less winded from now on!

The original framed HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW pieces can be purchased via email at hello@casstronaut.com. Prints and posters of the series can be purchased here.